Software giant A'Gents has teemed up with the premium
chip manufacturer Intel to create a new company devoted
to fighting computer viruses and other software problems.
The new self-named company's software, called
"Intel A'Gents", claims that once a computer operator
has it, no virus will be able to infect a computer. "Someone
with Intel A'Gents would automatically have the most up
to date anti-virus software and would be making regular
backups of their data."
More importantly, virus hoaxes and rumors of viruses will
be a thing of the past. "The recent subflnk.exe virus hoax
and the more famous AOL.EXE virus," said Intel A'Gents
spokesman Albert Hawkings, "wouldn't have caused the
least bit of concern. People would have brushed off the
subflnk virus and had a good chuckle at the AOL.EXE
virus if they'd only had Intel A'Gents."
Analysts say if Intel A'Gents catches on (and that's a
big if) then the entire Internet (as well as all of computing)
will be changed forever. Hawkings says, "Imagine, if
you will, no more chain letters. No more 'get rich quick'
schemes. No more SPAM because people who have
Intel A'Gents would never buy something from a SPAMmer."
Hawkings was optimistic about the future of chat rooms,
online forums, and message boards. "Just think of the literate
postings you could see. The well thought out missives of
people who have Intel A'Gents. Even on the personal boards,
there'd be no more 'A/S/L' or 'i need sum sex cuz im hornny'
postings because people with Intel A'Gents would concentrate
on intimacy -- which is far sexier, of course. I'd go so far
as to say a person who has Intel A'Gents would be
considered *very* sexy."
Software itself will change, Hawkings says. "Anyone who
has Intel A'Gents won't automatically buy the latest and
greatest upgrade just because it's 'new.' Intel A'Gents will
advise a purchase only on the grounds it improves
productivity. This will cause software manufacturers to
make *real* improvements in their software and not just
cosmetic changes solely in order to get a few bucks on
an upgrade charge."
Hawkings admits their greatest challenge will be AOL and
WebTV. "AOL has flat told us if someone has Intel A'Gents
then they won't use AOL at all. As far as WebTV goes,
it's not even a real computer. So, anyone using WebTV
can't possibly have Intel A'Gents."