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Category: Computers             Rating: 2.00

Software giant A'Gents has teemed up with the premium chip manufacturer Intel to create a new company devoted to fighting computer viruses and other software problems.

The new self-named company's software, called "Intel A'Gents", claims that once a computer operator has it, no virus will be able to infect a computer. "Someone with Intel A'Gents would automatically have the most up to date anti-virus software and would be making regular backups of their data."

More importantly, virus hoaxes and rumors of viruses will be a thing of the past. "The recent subflnk.exe virus hoax and the more famous AOL.EXE virus," said Intel A'Gents spokesman Albert Hawkings, "wouldn't have caused the least bit of concern. People would have brushed off the subflnk virus and had a good chuckle at the AOL.EXE virus if they'd only had Intel A'Gents."

Analysts say if Intel A'Gents catches on (and that's a big if) then the entire Internet (as well as all of computing) will be changed forever. Hawkings says, "Imagine, if you will, no more chain letters. No more 'get rich quick' schemes. No more SPAM because people who have Intel A'Gents would never buy something from a SPAMmer."

Hawkings was optimistic about the future of chat rooms, online forums, and message boards. "Just think of the literate postings you could see. The well thought out missives of people who have Intel A'Gents. Even on the personal boards, there'd be no more 'A/S/L' or 'i need sum sex cuz im hornny' postings because people with Intel A'Gents would concentrate on intimacy -- which is far sexier, of course. I'd go so far as to say a person who has Intel A'Gents would be considered *very* sexy."

Software itself will change, Hawkings says. "Anyone who has Intel A'Gents won't automatically buy the latest and greatest upgrade just because it's 'new.' Intel A'Gents will advise a purchase only on the grounds it improves productivity. This will cause software manufacturers to make *real* improvements in their software and not just cosmetic changes solely in order to get a few bucks on an upgrade charge."

Hawkings admits their greatest challenge will be AOL and WebTV. "AOL has flat told us if someone has Intel A'Gents then they won't use AOL at all. As far as WebTV goes, it's not even a real computer. So, anyone using WebTV can't possibly have Intel A'Gents."

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